For every poem that I write there is a true story that stands behind it and that includes five year old death. My mother decided for some reason she wanted some time alone and now I see that is not a bad thing for adults, we all need time alone to reflect on life. She started working for Avon even though the lord knows she was not wanting of anything. Once my mom started her new job at Avon we were now to be watched by our soon to be step sister and with her came her boyfriend and of course I will not get their permission to use their names so we will go on and just call them the step sister and boyfriend.
They both had this stupid love for the game Dungeon’s and dragons and wanted to play it with my brother and me. We really did not like the game and could not understand why they now wanted to make it real life; we soon realized why they changed the game from a board game to real life. It was simple the boyfriend would catch me and send me to my dungeon and she would catch my brother and send him to his. I did not for a long time know if she knew what was going on in my dungeon and I never knew until adulthood what was going on in my brother’s. My step sister’s boyfriend at first just wanted to feel on me and wanted me to feel on him and at first he found his pleasure from that and would happily tell me it was time for bed and not much longer my brother would also come to bed. The game became worse every time because I was forced to play along and was told every time my punishment would only get worse because of my behavior of not wanting to play. He made sure it got worse every time just like he promised he would. One day I was captured “as always” because how could a child really win against a grown man.
I was as always sent upstairs and he of course would be there soon to follow but this time I ran into the bathroom because I thought I was smarter now than him and could really hide and make him give up and leave me in peace but it did not work as I had planned.
I was in the bathroom with the door locked and my heart was racing but I did not want to breathe because as a child I was just stupid enough to believe I could not be heard if I held in my breath and he would not know where I was hiding. He started knocking on the door at first asking me to come out and of course that was not going to happen. I climbed on the toilet looking out of the window as best as I could and was screaming for help but either no one heard me or they just did not care about the little girl in the window who needed their attention so badly. He was not giving up, I kept going to the door begging him to go away but he would not go away like I asked so right back I went onto the toilet seat. Finally he said he would go away and it was safe for me to come out but I did not believe him so I put my ear to the door and I knew he was still there in waiting for me. I went right back on the toilet seat yelling for help that never did come. Our bathroom window had something like bars on it and I can remember grasping them as tight as I could as I shook them thinking that someone, anyone would hear me. But it was still for nothing! Back and forth I went and it seemed likes hours, but yet I knew it had to of been just mere minutes, but as a frightened child I could not tell the difference.
Finally he said this time he would let me rest in peace and I heard him walking away from the door but now as an adult I know he was just using his feet to make it sound like he was leaving in a shuffling sound. I really slowly opened the door and tried to peak out but it was too late to scurry back into the bathroom and lock the door, he had me already on the floor and I was soon to find out just how mad I had made him by hiding and trapping myself in the bathroom.
He stripped my bottoms off and was running his hands all over my body. It was like he thought he would find breast to grab a hold of but I was so young there was none to grab. I think the fight in me turned him on more because he was a lot rougher than before and I knew this time was going to be different than any other time. He was running his hand in my hair talking to me like I was a grown woman and belonged to only him. He started touching my privates more this time and grabbing my hips roughly. I could feel his privates against my body and heard him unzip his pants. He flipped me on my stomach and started grabbing at my buttocks like they were also now his property. I could he his words trying to shush me but I could not make out what he was saying to me in my fear. I was screaming for help as loud as I could but still no one would come help me from this madman. I could hear his breath going in and out in my ear in his excitement. He raped me for the first time ever that night but this was not a rape to take away my womanhood this was anal rape to hide the evidence from everyone and I am sure that he did not think I would bleed but I did. He had me on my stomach and thrust his manhood into my anal and used his arms to make us slide up the hallway and still to this day I am left to wonder how he found his pleasure in doing this but he did and I was changed after that and have lived a life of depression since. I just wanted to die and never have to look anyone in their eyes again. If I had just listened to him and not run then he would have never taken it so far this time. But no I thought I was going to be able to outsmart him this time so he would just leave me alone.
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