It is what I see in my nights of restless sleep that torment me in my waking hours. I search for what I will never find and find what will only drive me into hell a little deeper every day. I have always been just me and that has been fine and I love the heart that I have been blessed with even through a life that I could take or leave without any turns looking back. Does this mean I do not love my family or children? Does this mean that I really want to die in my sleep like I beg every night before I once again fall into my own hell of night tremors? This is something I ask myself every single breathing day that I am made to exist on earth! I love my children but maybe just maybe they would be better off without a mother who cries in her sleep for no reason that they could ever understand or that I would even want to tell them. I am alone in the crowded room that everyone talks about and that may be okay for some but I was meant to love and cherish those who walk in my life. I am lost in the dark and followed by the shadows that are to forever haunt me with nowhere to run but back within myself. I cry a million unseen tears that I hide with a pretty smile upon my face that I wish to let run free and to be seen by just one person that will maybe understand me and understand what I am forever left to feel. I am not mentally ill by any chemical imbalance! I am however mentally ill by the life that I have been given and at the end of the day after I have tried to make everyone else’s life pretty with a pink ribbon, I am left to wonder “Did they see me”?
I want the fairy tale romance that will never come into my life for it has already been here, but once again it left me driving down the road on four wheels taking any dreams I may have had with him. I want to sit in a rocking chair and not say one word to my mate but yet hear a thousand stories through his heartbeat. I search for that person that you never have to see but yet you can read him with just the silence of his nothing. I search for what we had with each other and I am left to wonder how he could so easily let that go like we were nothing more but a rain cloud that would be okay once it poured its life upon the world. So many things I am left to wonder about as the tears run swiftly down my cheeks, so many things that I wish to escape beginning with me. I am left here with nothing more than a life full of grief that has been handed down to me since I was five years old in age. I am living in the tormented mind and soul of a five year old's death! Before you read any farther I will be blunt, if you are looking for a book of perfection and cover ups in feelings then this is not the book for you. I am writing of my life that only I have lived and no one can dictate or change a word of what I feel and think is the reason I carry depression on the sleeve of a lost soul just waiting to be found and understood. I am writing of a past worth forgetting that haunts me every day of my life! I am writing the story that only I can tell!